One year ago, postnatal anxiety took hold of a new mum so completely that she didn’t recognise herself anymore. She’s chosen to share her story anonymously, in her own words, because she wishes someone had told her the truth about how hard this could be – and that recovery, however long it takes, is possible.
A year ago I lost my mind.
Motherhood was something I had always dreamed of and thought I was going to take to like a duck to water. I was wrong. I was not prepared for what was about to happen to me.
From that very first week I questioned absolutely everything to do with her (my gorgeous, healthy, happy new baby) and every thought that went through my mind created worry and confusion.
That first week is supposed to be newborn bliss, the so called ‘bubble’ but it is so stressful; with learning how to feed, wondering if they are gaining weight, wondering ‘am I doing this right?’ I am calling bullshit on ‘the bubble’. There were no moments of calm in my mind and certainly no ability to sleep and have an opportunity to recover. My brain was broken and in turn, so was I.
My only taste of anxiety up until this point was a bad case of the alcohol horrors after a big night. Nothing noteworthy. Never again in my life will I dismiss someone’s anxiety as ‘just a few worries’. My postnatal anxiety was absolutely crippling and did not let me go for a very long time.
I was absolutely not the same person anymore. Not confident, not determined, not resilient. That woman was gone. It is so hard to explain in words but there was absolutely no amount of evidence (in regards to my daughter’s wellbeing) that could make me stop worrying. It was obsessional. I didn’t know it at the time but I have learned along this journey that my perfectionist tendencies and my need to be in control really set me up to fail here.
Parethood is not predictable and certainly not something you have much control over and it has taken me the best part of a year to really accept this. This first year postpartum has felt like a mini lifetime and I so often wished time away with thoughts like “everything will be ok when…. she can eat solid food, she can walk, she doesn’t drink milk anymore” and the list goes on.
The truth is, sometimes I thought this journey just wasn’t for me and that I wasn’t cut out to be a mother after all. But the point is that I cannot avoid my own life and if I wish time away I will miss out on all of the good stuff. I know I beat myself up constantly for not enjoying it more and stressing so much that I couldn’t see each day for what it was, an opportunity to be her mum.
I was so incredibly lucky to have access to amazing doctors that started me on a path to recovery. There are so many people who don’t. It was a long eight months or so of being unwell and it is a time of my life I would soon rather forget. But it’s a journey and I can’t change it now, no matter how much I wish I could.
I wouldn’t have made it through this year without my partner, our incredibly supportive families, and our lovely friends. But most of all, certainly not without my daughter. Thank you for making me your mum you sweet, fun, gorgeous and clever little babe.
It nearly broke me but I know now it has completely made me.
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Shared anonymously by a Birthbabe reader.
If this resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone, and that recovery is possible. If you’re currently struggling, you can call the Samaritans free, 24 hours a day, on 116 123. PANDAS Foundation also offers specialist perinatal mental health support at pandasfoundation.org.uk or 07903 508334 on WhatsApp.
Image: Supplied
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